Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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