If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I intend to get homeless drunk
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
