So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Randomize
