Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
