I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
