mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
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