I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
