Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
