Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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