i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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