I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
