omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize