this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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