Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Randomize
