ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Randomize
