What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
