All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
