Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
