I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
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