my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
