She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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