He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
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