This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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