it's too hot outside to masturbate.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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