Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
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