Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
you guys were way drunker than both of me
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Randomize
