No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
