I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Randomize