No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
