Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
