I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Randomize
