I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
