I look better un-naked...
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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