I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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