I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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