All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
