Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
