Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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