Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Randomize
