she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
