i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
