i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Randomize
