Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
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