I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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