ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
