I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
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