Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
