She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
