Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
