i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
