I'd wear matching sweaters with you
You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
