guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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