you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
