just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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