I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
