I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
