If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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