if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
