i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
These tits shall not be calmed
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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